Anonymous asked: Not trying to be rude, but I’m interested since you’re self portrait is on a trans tumblr and it says you identify as female most of the time, were you born male or female, are you trans, ect? I’m sure I sound like an ass and I apologize if I’ve offended you.

snuffboxisdead:

Ok, I think that coming at someone as an anon and asking about their junk and what they were “born as” is kind of fucked, but I’m actually going to answer this only because I remember that particular post and it was a special situation/time in my fabulous tumblr life. And because I want to clear some things up. Also I have to sit still for 10 minutes while my eyebrows bleach, so what the hell.

That post was the very first time I ever publicly connected myself to the term “trans.” As you can imagine, I was going through some shit. Scratch that, I’ve been “going through some shit” re: gender for as long as I can remember, but figuring out what I identify as and stating it publicly was the particular flavor of shit I was dealing with at that moment.

At that time, I felt like since I don’t identify as male 100% of the time and don’t have plans for bottom surgery that I wasn’t allowed to use the term. Nevermind that I had genderqueer friends who I totally viewed as 100% “genuinely” trans,and that bottom surgery doesn’t mean shit if someone doesn’t feel they want/need it, I knew that. Nevermind that OH YEAH, I’m not a woman, and saying that makes my whole life make sense, and it is as true as the sun rising, and I’m not cisgendered, and I identify as agender/male/ish. Nevermind all that. I still didn’t feel like I was “allowed” to be trans. I saw the shit that some trans friends have to go through, especially trans women, and I felt like it wasn’t my “right.” I also saw a lot of popular trans men I felt alienated from/didn’t relate to. Basically I was conflating “oppressive bullshit some trans people deal with” and “scenes I’m not interested in” with gender identity. Brilliant, I know. What can I say, there’s no “gender studies” GED section.

I didn’t expect anyone else to “pick one or the other”  but I had some fucked up idea that I had to. I’m not fucking cisgendered, I don’t identify as female even though I was assigned female at birth, but when I made that post I was trying to work shit out. You know, things like: I sometimes wear eye makeup and “read female” to other people, so I thought I had to suck it up and put up with identifying as female. I know. It’s not very smart or cool or happy and it’s kind of embarrassing that there is a picture of me floating around in which I’m practically apologizing for sometimes not identifying as female (sometimes, like, um, 100% of the time.) In other words, I had a lot of toxic internalized bullshit from a lifetime of squirming at being called a girl but only beginning to figure out what other options I had. The happy ending is that making that post changed my view of myself a lot. Owning that word was the beginning of putting myself together. 

tl;dr: FAAB, not a woman, neutral/male pronouns. 

My fucking eyebrows are about to burn off. Have a good evening!