(Angels of Light, My True Body)

….The shining black horse on the ridge,
is snorting and choking with it,
I can feel the texture of your suffering.

My memory’s an ocean,
littered with useless debris,
please stop me now from thinking.

….So where’s my true body now,
now that I’ve been consumed,
I’m dissolving inside of your future….

No I am not my body.

When I think of my body/appearance becoming more androgynous/”masculine”, I think of a body that I want to take care of. A strong and beloved form that is finally not an alien thing I do my best to ignore but is myself.

This makes me wonder about the overlap of eating disorders and what I would loosely call gender issues, and it makes me wonder about systemic cissexism/binarism contributing to eating disorders. I am also annoyed at simplifications like “…trapped in the wrong body” and strongly resent (to put it mildly) those who would tell me “labels aren’t important, you’re just a different sort of woman” or to “pick one or the other” or even the well-meaning oversimplifications about how “sex is between your legs, gender is in your head” or even “FTM” (I can’t be female-to-male if A. I’ve never been female and B. I’m not 100% male)

I have a lot on my mind today. It is past my bedtime and I am going to go read in the shower (it is the best thing, you should try it) and listen to more Angels of Light before sleep.

I want to take better care of myself and stay present in this body and have a body I want to stay present in and do my best to realize my desired transformations and pay attention to what I learn in the process. I feel strange and raw and true in this.